Dealing with Toxic Personalities When You're Highly Sensitive

by Amy Scholten, M.P.H.

Many highly sensitive people (HSPs) are also highly empathic, meaning that they have a keen ability to sense or feel the emotions of others. Gifted in their ability to listen, understand, and offer compassionate support and insight to others, a well balanced HSP has the ability to be an excellent parent, friend, and healer.

The downside of being an HSP/empath is that one is especially susceptible to the emotions and attitudes of others, including those with difficult or "toxic" personalities. In general, toxic personality means someone whose personality has a bad effect on you. These aren't people who are simply having a bad day or going through a passing crisis. They are those who habitually rely on unhealthy attitudes and behaviors to maintain their sense of self. In the presence of toxic personalities, people often feel*:

• Snubbed or belittled
• Negative or angry (when one is normally a positive person)
• Silly, boring, or superfluous
• Drained
• Intimidated
• Manipulated into doing things they don't want to do
• Guilty
• Crazy or confused

* Please note: If you have these feelings often and in the presence of many people, the issue could be your own poor self-esteem.

Toxic personalities come in many different forms. They include:

The Chronically Self-absorbed - They see you only in terms of their own needs and fantasies. They create expectations of you, without your consent. For example, they expect you to change important life events—such as your wedding—to suit their needs. They may habitually take advantage of your empathic listening skills or anything else that you can offer them. You feel overlooked and drained as all your energy is focused on them.

The Chronically Self-pitying - They dwell on negative things that have happened to them (even decades ago) to maintain their victim mentality. Rather than taking constructive action, they wallow in their tragic existence to rationalize getting what they want. They typically bring about many of their own problems yet blame others for "victimizing" them or not taking care of them. As an empath, you're the perfect target because you feel their pain and they know it. The problem is, their continuous complaints, neediness, dramatics, irresponsibility and helplessness will leave you feeling drained and frustrated...because they don't really want to change.

The Chronically Manipulative- Watch out! HSPs and empathic persons are ripe targets for manipulators. Manipulators know your "hot buttons" and use sneaky strategies to get you to do things for them. They try to manipulate your feelings and make you feel guilty if you don't do what they want. Unless you're astute to their tactics, you may not even know that you're being manipulated. If you're not alert to what's happening, their tactics can eat away at your self-esteem, or even lead you away from your own priorities and values.

The Chronically Pushy - There is nothing subtle about these folks. They use force and intimidation to get what they want and achieve a sense of power. They may view HSPs and empaths and as "weak" and rudely stomp all over you, if you let them.

The Chronically Negative - They're too preoccupied with what's negative to notice the positive. They rain on your parade and take the joy out of everything. Because you're an emotional sponge, if you spend regular time with them, you're at risk of being consumed by their negativity and becoming a downer yourself..

The Chronically "Special" - These people appear to have an inflated sense of their own importance and feel entitled to special treatment. If you don't cater to their whims, they may react with contempt and behave like spoiled children. Because they often need to feel superior, they may also look for opportunities to belittle or dismiss you.

The Chronically Dissatisfied - Similar to other downer types, they are quick to find fault with almost anything that doesn't conform to their view of how things should be. Nothing you do is ever good enough for them because they have unrealistic expectations. In their presence, you often feel unappreciated. You may also feel inhibited in your self-expression because it doesn't feel safe to let loose or have fun around chronic fault-finders. Chronic fault-finding is often rooted in feelings of shame and unworthiness that are projected onto others. When HSPs and empaths are around these folks, they must guard against taking on the other person's shame and judgments.

The Chronically Envious - Chronic self-pity (having a "victim" identity), low self-esteem, or competitiveness are the breeding grounds for chronic envy. A chronically envious person is rarely happy for your good fortune and may play down your blessings or make belittling remarks. HSPs and empaths tend to pick up on the resentment of such people. If you're in their presence often, you may feel the need to be apologetic, play down your successes or even feel ashamed or undeserving of your happiness. Remember that a true friend wants to see you happy and successful! You shouldn't have to diminish yourself to make someone else feel better.

The Chronic Crazy-Maker - Crazy-makers take many forms, but what they all have in common is their love of stirring up chaos wherever they go. Examples include people who chronically create conflicts, show up late (or not at all), play mind games, withhold decisions when you're waiting for them, play people against each other, lie, or exhibit chronic unreliability. Since most HSPs don't care to add further stress and drama to their lives, they would do well to limit their time with—or avoid—chronic crazy-makers, if possible.

How to Help Yourself

Toxic personalities have a negative impact on most folks, not just HSPs and empaths. However, HSPs and empaths are especially vulnerable for several reasons:

1. If they are in the presence of a toxic personality for any length of time, HSPs and empaths may deeply internalize those toxic energies and bad feelings, posing a risk to their own physical and mental well-being.

2. The HSP/empath often has the ability to see the positive potentialities in the toxic personality and may expect that, at some level, he or she can help that person. While it's noble to be compassionate and caring, people can only be helped when they're ready. Unfortunately, people with toxic personalities often resist self-awareness and psychospiritual healing. It may take tremendous suffering or a life-threatening situation to propel them to seek change, and even then, not necessarily!

Perhaps you've had the experience of steadfastly offering compassionate listening, support, and graciousness to a person (or persons) with a toxic personality, only to end up feeling repeatedly manipulated, drained and unappreciated. If that's the case, it's time to do something that may feel a bit contrary to your empathic nature: actively detach from that person. Your emotional and even physical well-being depend on it. But how does one detach? Here are some tips:

Remember Unconditional Love but Conditional Involvement

Don't let toxic personalities "contaminate" you with their anger and negativity. Don't let them smother your inner beauty with anger and coldness. Keep in mind that all behavior is either love or a call for love. Troubled people are usually seeking self-esteem, security, attention, happiness, and love. They just don't know how to do this in a healthy or constructive manner. You can offer forgiveness and love to them in your heart without being a doormat or even being directly involved with them.

Develop Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are those invisible psychic lines that distinguish where we begin and others end. Though we are all one in spirit, we're unfortunately defined by separation on this earthly plane. We have to take care of and nourish ourselves so that we can be healthy, truly present to life and helpful to others. That involves respecting our own limits and setting goals accordingly. It means being grounded, and not always being pulled off course by others' needs. It means saying "no" when others ask too much of us and not feeling guilty. It means asking for support when we need it. It means taking quiet time to recharge.

Distance Yourself

It's often not possible to "work things out" with someone who has a toxic personality. Your only source of protection may be to distance yourself from that person, perhaps even permanently. You have to decide how much distance you need. For example, you may choose to avoid having the person as a house guest yet you can still maintain some contact. If the situation is really toxic or abusive, however, complete avoidance may be necessary.

Use Supportive Techniques

Sometimes you can't get away from a toxic personality very easily. Perhaps this person is someone you see every day like your boss or a coworker. Aside from finding other employment, some ways that you might feel better are by developing a support system, getting therapy, or using visualization techniques (for example, visualizing yourself in a protective bubble whenever you're around that person).

Let Go

Give up notions that you can change a toxic personality. You can only change how you respond. Don't dwell on what the person did or the negative feelings that resulted. If you need some emotional catharsis, unload your feelings in a personal journal and then try to let it go. People don't develop toxic personalities overnight and they usually don't change overnight, if at all.

Surprise: Even HSPs and Empaths Can Have Toxic Personalities!

If you think you'll be safe in the presence of other HSPs and empaths only, beware that sometimes they are equally capable of being toxic personalities. Because they often know what others are feeling, HSPs and empaths (who need healing) can be very skilled manipulators. The best way to protect yourself from any toxic personality is to know the warning signs and develop healthy boundaries.

Buy this article