Relationships:The Ego's Greatest Challenge
by Amy Scholten, M.P.H.
Today there's a whole entertainment industry based on relationship conflicts—hence the popularity of shows like Dr. Phil and other "reality" TV. Power and control, rejection, jealousy, and misery are common themes in these shows, and their popularity relates to the fact that these are common themes in many people's real-life relationships. But why? The answer lies in the ego.
I'm using the term "ego" to describe a (false) mental image we each have about who we are. This self-image isn't based on the larger spiritual Reality of who we are (our true Self - beyond the body), but on the false belief that we are separate and independent from the Source of all that is (God) and each other. The ego operates on fearful illusions that are formed by personal experiences, familial and cultural conditioning.
How the Ego Destroys Relationships
Getting Versus Giving
When we see ourselves as mere bodies, separate from all that is (which most of us seem to do), we consciously or unconsciously experience feelings of fear, vulnerability, incompleteness, and specialness. Hence, many of our relationships are approached from a sense of fear, lack, and a desire to feel more special, which ultimately leads to conflict when we don't get what we seek. In hopes of countering feelings of fear, vulnerability, and incompleteness, the ego leads us to look to relationships to "get" something, typically:
But because other egos are looking for the same thing, the result is often that both parties form a relationship where they're trying to get something from the other. And most of the giving they do is based on the need to get something in return. The "love" that's given is conditional—based on spoken or unspoken rules. In fact, this is the accepted norm for most adult relationships, varying only in degree of severity (which correlates with the degree of ego involvement).
Upping the Ante: Control and Manipulation
In our egoic attempts to get from others, various forms and degrees of control and manipulation may enter the picture. For example, some people use seduction and flattery to get their needs met, while others may withdraw attention or affection, use overt force, or engage in deception.
Of course, there are much healthier ways to attempt to meet our needs, such as honest and sensitive communication. But the problem of ego often still remains. As long as we have a false idea of who we are, we will depend on others to cater to the whims of our fragile egos, and the result is perpetual conflict.
"Love" That Turns to Hate
Sometimes we witness extreme behavior when, what appears to be "love," turns to hate, especially in romantic relationships. Since it's impossible for real love (unconditional love, that is) to turn to hate, "love" relationships that turn to hate are clearly conditional relationships or "special relationships" that the ego employs out of a sense of lack. The more one's ego is invested in a relationship, the greater the potential for disappointment, and for feelings of hatred and even violence...all of which are the opposite of real love.
Projection of Emotional Baggage, Guilt and Judgments
The ego feeds on past experiences and conditioning. Therefore relationships often become dumping grounds for unresolved issues and projections of judgment and guilt. For example, if you experienced painful rejection in the past, you may "see" rejection and abandonment, even where it doesn't exist. To protect yourself, you may reject the other first and engage in fault-finding to justify yourself—for example, choosing to focus on the less than desirable aspects of your once interesting friend.
Fear Drives Away Real Love
The paradox is that while the ego indeed makes us feel vulnerable and alone, it actually fears intimacy, honesty, and sharing, and hence drives away the chance for real love. It does this not only by setting up barriers and conditional love for its own "protection," but by putting on a mask or a show of strength. How many of us think that a "good" relationship is one where people hide their true thoughts and feelings from others? How many of us put most of our effort into making and maintaining a good impression rather than being open? Hiding behind a mask ensures that others won't see (or have a chance to love) the real you.
What We Really Need: Holy Relationships
According to A Course in Miracles, a holy relationship is unconditionally loving. We approach this relationship from our higher (spiritual) Self, which is purely loving, and therefore we can focus on the higher aspects of the other person (innocence) rather than his or her faults or failure to meet our expectations (guilt). Holy relationships are characterized by freedom, non judgment, inner peace, and healing (often mutual).
Healing Is the Goal
What can we learn from those who upset us? Are they showing us a place within themselves that needs healing? Are they showing us a place within ourselves that needs healing? Yes. The goal of any conflict-ridden relationship is the healing of both parties.
Unconditional Love (Sometimes With Conditional Involvement)
Surely the ego is uncomfortable with this idea of unconditional love, mistakenly seeing it as threatening and a sign of weakness instead of strength. So let's clarify a few things:
- A holy relationship doesn't mean that we must approve of everything another person does, or be willfully blind to problems.
- A holy relationship doesn't ask that we tolerate behaviors that are intolerable to us (such as abuse).
- A holy relationship doesn't ask that we disown or repress our feelings.
All a holy relationship asks is that we withdraw our egos from the relationship and not let go of the love in our hearts, despite how that person is behaving. If we can no longer tolerate being involved with the person or an unhealthy situation, it doesn't mean we need to be hateful or perpetually engaged in conflict, judgment, and power struggles. I like the phrase "Unconditional love with conditional involvement." In other words, keep your heart open to the goodness in others, but don't be a doormat.
We have two essential choices when it comes to a difficult relationship. We can approach the relationship from the ego with all its anger, fear, judgment, guilt trips, power trips, and strive in vain to be right or in control. Or we can loosen our grasp on our ego's need to be right or in control, and turn the relationship over to a higher power (God or the Holy Spirit) in prayer or meditation. Which do you think contributes the most to healing and peace of mind? The choice is yours.
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