Can You Really Have Too Much Self-esteem?
Reflections on Identity and Spirituality

by Amy Scholten, M.P.H.

Most therapists and self-help gurus agree that self-esteem is an important part of happiness and inner peace. But self-esteem has also come under the scrutiny of critics who insist that having "too much" self-esteem isn't necessarily a good thing. The critics often refer to studies suggesting that many criminals, bullies and bigots have high self-esteem. What is self-esteem, exactly, and can you really have too much of it?

Most of us know people who are demanding and possess a strong sense of entitlement, whose overbearing attitudes seem to say, "I'm worth it. I expect it. The world revolves around me." Their posturing puffery seems to indicate "excessive" self-esteem, and so we ponder how this could happen. Perhaps their parents indulged and spoiled them. Or, maybe they came from deprived or abusive situations where they learned to be manipulative and aggressive to get what they wanted, and in the process they became supremely confident. Lastly, they might simply be people from families or societies where warrior-like attitudes and behaviors are valued, and so they appear over-confident and entitled because they think that those are admirable qualities.

But is excessive self confidence or entitlement the same as having genuine self-esteem?

Grandiosity and Littleness: Opposite Sides of the Same Coin

Demanding, overbearing, aggressive, over-confident behavior is often mislabeled as "excessive" self-esteem, but this type of behavior isn't about self-esteem at all; it's about grandiosity. And grandiosity is always a cover for an underlying sense of vulnerability or fear. Underneath a grandiose exterior lies a person who's actually shouting "Help! Look at me! Pay attention to me! Honor and respect me! Give me what I want (because I'm so afraid of being deprived, powerless, overlooked, disrespcted, and therefore worthless)." Grandiosity is therefore a defense, and one that should never be mistaken for self-esteem.

The flip side of grandiosity—littleness, or viewing oneself as a worm—is also the manifestation of an underlying sense of vulnerability and fear. It says, "I'm not good enough. I'm not valuable as I am. I haven't earned my worth. I deserve to be punished." Littleness is an attitude toward the self that's learned in our families, schools, religious institutions, workplaces, and in the media via overt or covert shaming. Shame is projected onto us from people who use it to manipulate us to do what they want, and from those who are trying to rid themselves of their own feelings of shame.

Saving a "Wretch" Like Me

Whether coming from a place of grandiosity or littleness, people endlessly try to build an identity and dress it in adornments that they hope will make them feel good about themselves. These adornments may include achievements, reputations, job titles, salaries, power and control, physical beauty, material possessions, perfectionism, trophy spouses, the achievements of children, sexual conquests, the admiring glances of others, etc.

But in trying to hold onto self-made identities and (superficial) self-esteem, we often realize just how fragile these things are. For example, what happens to the identity and self-esteem of:

• the self-righteous religious moralist who is publicly forced to confront his extra-marital affairs?
• the corporate superstar who gets the pink slip and then can't find suitable work?
• the aging beauty queen who no longer turns heads?
• the once wealthy realtor who struggles to make ends meet?
• the proud middle-aged athlete who becomes frail or elderly?

In many cases, these self-created identities come crumbling down, along with this fragile thing we call self-esteem.

Identity and Self-esteem Come From a Place of Wholeness

The psychotherapists are right that we need self-esteem to have joy in our lives and real confidence in ourselves (not grandiosity). But in general, cultural views about identity and self-esteem need an adjustment. Our true identity isn't something we construct for ourselves, for a self-made identity can easily crumble into emptiness and despair. And self-esteem isn't something that's given to us from "out there" somewhere, or something we can get from wielding our power in the world (if it is, it could crumble just as easily as a self-made identity). The dilemma is actually a spiritual one that comes down to understanding our true identity, not the identity we've constructed for ourselves all these years.

I apologize in advance to readers who don't share my spiritual leanings, but I can't write about identity or self-esteem without getting to the heart of the matter, which I believe is spiritual. I think it's very hard to have genuine self-esteem without having a deeply-rooted sense of oneself as a spiritual being, created in the likeness of our Creator, and therefore a valuable, powerful and essential part of the universe ("uni" meaning many, "verse" meaning of one pattern). When we forget our spiritual heritage, we forget who we really are, and continue trying to create our own identity, which we base on our sense of being separate and distinct from others instead of part of a divine whole.

Trapped in The Box of Definitions

People create an identity from definitions they've learned from the world. Examples of definitions include:

• Beautiful, Plain, Homely
• Shy, Outgoing, Standoffish
• Conservative, Moderate, Liberal
• Intelligent, Average, Dumb
• Upper Class, Middle-Class, Lower-Class
• Fat, Fit, Skinny
• Black, Asian, Hispanic, White
• Underachiever, Average, Overachiever
• Saint, Sinner, Infidel
• Stylish, Rebellious, Cool, Dorky, Tree Hugger, Anarchist, etc.

Family background, social environments, and life experiences play a big role in how we define ourselves and others. Through a self-made identity, we hope to express our uniqueness, distinguish ourselves from others, and seek to find love and security. But two major self-esteem hurdles confront us:

1. We define and confine ourselves and others according to a very limited set of definitions that have nothing to do with the larger reality of who we (and others) are.

2. We tend to judge and rank these definitions (and hence ourselves and others) in terms of "good" or "bad."

In this frame of mind, we aren't seeing the whole picture at all—not even close! How can we build self-esteem from a limited box of definitions and judgments that have absolutely nothing to do with the larger, spiritual Truth of our existence? How can we ever feel good about ourselves if we're coming from a place that we must constantly defend—a place that could easily crumble to the ground in one fell swoop? This place of exhausting defense, bravado, and "keeping up appearances" is certainly not a place of Truth, wholeness or genuine self-esteem.

Getting Outside the Box

Though it's not easy to overcome years of conditioning and conditioned responses, that's exactly what we need to do to get beyond the limits of the identity and self-esteem box. This takes daily practice and a willingness to wake up and see things differently. How?

Acknowledge that inside the box, you have a very limited picture of yourself and your value. And you try to live your life as to demonstrate more and more value...a value that's created inside a box that has nothing to do with Truth. It's a value that requires mutual agreement from others to confirm, in order for you to believe it. If they don't recognize your worth, you think you haven't demonstrated it yet and therefore don't have it!

Abandon ANY personal evaluation of yourself and understand that your value and meaningfulness is infinitely divine. It's held in place by the Creator who has made you His divine creation. At your core, underneath the identity you've tried to create for yourself, you are an extension of Him. Does it sound like arrogance to accept yourself as the Creator created you? On the contrary, it's the denial of arrogance. Arrogance is you inside a little box, trying to be more of what you think you are, but aren't. To accept your littleness is arrogance because you're believing that your evaluation of yourself is truer than God's.

In short, you've been interpreting your value in an extremely limited way. Your value doesn't vary—it just is.